I Am Livia

  This is a work of historical fiction. Apart from the well-known people, events, and locales that figure in the narrative, all incidents are the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to current events or locales, or to living persons, is entirely coincidental.

  Text copyright © 2014 Phyllis T. Smith

  All rights reserved.

  No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express written permission of the publisher.

  Published by Lake Union Publishing, Seattle

  www.apub.com

  ISBN-13: 9781477848821

  ISBN-10: 1477848827

  Cover design by Cyanotype Book Architects

  Library of Congress Control Number: 2013914534

  In memory of my mother

  Contents

  Start Reading

  Leading Characters

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Author’s Note

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  A woman preeminent among women, and who in all things resembled the gods more than mankind, whose power no one felt except for the alleviation of trouble…

  —Velleius Paterculus

  Leading Characters

  Livia Drusilla

  Marcus Livius Drusus Claudianus, her father

  Alfidia, her mother

  Secunda, her sister

  Marcus Brutus, leader of the assassins of Julius Caesar

  Marcus Cicero, Rome’s elder statesman, allied with the assassins

  Caesar Octavianus, Julius Caesar’s posthumously adopted son

  Tiberius Claudius Nero, a prominent military officer who marries Livia

  Little Tiberius and Drusus, Livia’s sons

  Julia, Caesar Octavianus’s daughter

  Rubria, wet nurse in Livia Drusilla’s household

  Mark Antony, Julius Caesar’s right-hand man

  Octavia, Caesar Octavianus’s sister

  Cleopatra, queen of Egypt

  Sextus Pompey, ruler of Sicily

  Marcus Agrippa, Caesar Octavianus’s friend and leading general

  Caecilia, Agrippa’s wife

  Gaius Maecenas, Caesar Octavianus’s friend and advisor, patron of the arts

  I wonder sometimes how I will be remembered. As mother of my country, as men call me to my face, or as a monster? I know the rumors none dare speak aloud. Some believe I am a murderess many times over. They envy me, and they hate my power. In Rome, a woman’s power, however circumspectly exercised, arouses revulsion.

  Every death in my family circle has been laid at my door. People claim I am adept in the use of poisons. Oh, I have transgressed. But not in the way they think. It is when I remember my youth that I find myself recoiling. Do I recoil when I think of him, my beloved? No. But I paid a price in my soul, for loving him.

  Old age can be a deceiver. My knees ache when I walk, but if I sit still, I do not feel so different from the girl I was. I tell myself I am the same. Then I glance down at my hands resting on the saffron folds of my stola, and I see blue veins under skin that is almost translucent. I cannot evade physical reality. And yet I believe I remain, in some essential way, the person I was at fifteen or twenty. Today I am called by the honorific Julia Augusta, but inside of me the girl Livia Drusilla still lives. Certainly, the decisions that girl made long ago shaped who I am now.

  The time is approaching when I must move aside to make room for other guests at the banquet of life. It is necessary that I prepare to explain myself before the gods. Above all, I must be ready to account for the young woman I was.

  My beloved wrote a record of his deeds for others to read. Of course he obscured distasteful truths. But I will write the story of my youth in a cipher only I know. I will be honest. There is no point in lying to the gods.

  It will take courage to remember the days when I was Livia Drusilla. I wonder if I can do it without flinching.

  The murder that shook the ground on which we walked, the murder all Rome remembers—I knew about it days before it happened.

  I saw three men disappear into my father’s study, and then I heard nothing, not even a bee buzz of conversation. What could they be doing in there if not talking?

  I was borne forward by burning curiosity. Not the random inquisitiveness of a child; I had passed my fourteenth birthday. I wanted to learn every bit I could about the world in which my father moved, that of men who wielded power. I knew I could never enter that world, but it drew me as the sky draws a young bird.

  Father’s study was separated from the atrium by only a long curtain of heavy wool, dyed the color of raspberries. I tiptoed toward the curtain, so close that my face almost touched the rough fabric. I stood still, listening, and to my amazement heard not a sound.

  I was used to hearing men’s boisterous conversations coming from the study. Why would they be so quiet now? Were they telling secrets inside? My sister and I would whisper to each other. Our servants often whispered too. Whispering was something girls and slaves did, not men like my father.

  I stood still, straining my ears to hear. At first, there was silence. Then a voice came, low but audible. “Not just him.”

  Another voice: “How many deaths would satisfy you, Tiberius Nero?”

  The first voice, again: “As many as it takes to make us safe. I assure you I’m not bloodthirsty, but we’re staking our lives here. Let’s not behave like fools.”

  “Proscriptions again?”

  Proscriptions. Before I was born, in the dictator Sulla’s time, men’s names had been posted on a wall—names of those who opposed him, or whose relatives or friends did, as well as those who had amassed enough wealth to arouse envy, or did anything else to draw suspicion or hostility from Sulla and his circle. Once their names went on the wall, these men were hunted down like wild beasts.

  Father’s voice rose, full of resolve and so much distaste he forgot to speak softly. “I won’t have it. And Brutus won’t have it. It’s bad enough that we must put one man to death without trial.” The voices dropped again.

  A shiver ran through me. Because already I knew almost everything. I knew there was to be an assassination, and who was to die, and that my father was part of the plot.

  Father lacked a son, and I was the elder of his two daughters. He had always shared much more of his mind with me than might have been expected with a girl child. He would speak about distant wars and kingdoms, and I would see the farthest reaches of the empire through his eyes. Or he would tell me his assessment of one public figure or another. He often voiced his discontent. He had been born into one wealthy and powerful noble family, adopted into another, and had always expected to serve in public office. In the past he had held important military and governmental posts. But under Julius Caesar’s rule, he could play no role in Rome’s government, at least none in accord with his principles.

  When I was small, he spoke to me of political matters just to ease himself, I think. Sometimes when I asked him a question, he would give me a sur
prised smile, as if he was astonished that I absorbed everything he said. As I grew older, he came to expect my questions.

  Father talked often of liberty and the right form of government. Caesar, he said, was not just a dictator—that was an honorable office, circumscribed by law—but a tyrant. Five years ago he had ignited a civil war, and seized power. He had overturned the supremacy of the Senate and done just as he pleased. In his arrogance, Caesar had even renamed one of the months of the year—the most beautiful summer month—Julius, after himself. Lately his supporters, at his instigation, had begun demanding he don a crown and call himself king. I knew that Father believed that the Republic was being destroyed by this one man. He had not, however, intimated to me that he and his friends intended to act.

  I see myself staring at the curtain, straining to hear more, a slender, red-haired girl with dark eyes too large for my face—a face now drained of color. The fact that Caesar was to die did not appall me. I had been taught to regard him as Rome’s enemy, and I had never met him. I had only watched him from a distance as he rode down the Sacred Way in triumph, wearing a faint, ironic smile as he listened to the people’s cheers. But I understood my father’s danger. Caesar would not forgive an attempt on his life.

  Perhaps I made some small noise without realizing it, or touched the curtain and caused it to move. One of the men in the study sensed my presence and ripped the curtain aside. My heart jumped. Father’s friends stared at me with horrified expressions.

  Father looked startled and embarrassed but said hastily, “Don’t be concerned about the child. She will tell no one.”

  “Gods above!” This from Tiberius Nero, the youngest man present. “We’re babbling to too many people. Now your daughter knows? This is absurd.”

  Another of the men, a white-haired senator, his toga trimmed with purple, gazed into my eyes. “Child, what did you hear?”

  The gravity with which he spoke terrified me. I could not swallow and barely managed to whisper, “I think…you are going to kill Caesar.”

  The senator’s face hardened. He looked as if he wished to strike me dead to assure my silence.

  “Be easy, my friends,” my father said. “It will go no further. Will it, Livia Drusilla?”

  I stood hunched with fear and shame, but his addressing me so formally, by my full name, made me straighten my spine. “I will say nothing,” I said.

  “If she should talk—” Tiberius Nero began.

  “But she won’t,” Father said. “She has given us her word. I assure you my daughter is neither a liar nor a fool.”

  Tiberius Nero looked at me the way men do at slaves offered for sale. “Is this—?”

  “Yes, my firstborn,” Father said.

  “Ah,” Tiberius Nero said.

  I disliked his eyes on me. I stared back, my chin raised. After a moment, he glanced away.

  He was a tall man with a sharp nose and watery eyes. At that time he was thirty-eight years old. I had never seen him before. The other two men present were longtime friends of my father. They gazed at me searchingly, trying, I suppose, to guess if I had sense enough to keep their secret.

  All three left with uneasy expressions. When they were gone, my father put an arm around me. “Now, daughter, it’s wrong to eavesdrop on men’s conversations. Haven’t your mother and I raised you better than that?”

  Close to tears, I turned my head and pressed my face against his shoulder. I hated it when he rebuked me, though he always did it gently. “Oh, Father—”

  “Shhh.”

  I lowered my voice. “I’m afraid for you.”

  “You needn’t be.” Father spoke in a whisper. “I won’t strike a blow. Only senators will take part. I merely stand ready, as several others do, to assume a post of official authority when the way is cleared. That’s not very heroic or dangerous, is it?”

  I whispered back, “But you’re part of a plot to kill the most powerful man in Rome. If it fails, you’ll be in great danger.” Horrible imaginings filled my mind: Caesar ordering Father’s execution or, because our family was a noble one, sending him a dagger and a note, Salvage your honor.

  “The plot won’t fail,” Father said.

  “I think you will be in danger even if it doesn’t fail. Haven’t I heard you say the people love Caesar? Surely he has friends who will want to avenge him?”

  “Just see that you don’t speak of this, and all will be well.” He squeezed my shoulder. “Tiberius Nero…”

  “Yes, Father?”

  “He was Caesar’s officer. But he has come over to our side. A fine fellow, of excellent birth. He is actually a second cousin of mine.”

  I said nothing.

  “You will marry him.”

  In the course of things, Father was bound to find me a husband in the next year or two, so an announcement of this kind was to be expected. Yet a wave of dismay swept over me. I blurted out my first thought. “You are giving me to him to induce him to turn traitor to Caesar?”

  “Of course not. What a thing to say!” Father avoided meeting my gaze.

  I knew what I surmised was true, at least to a degree. I was part of the inducement—that is, my dowry was, and the privilege of an alliance with my father. But to say outright that he would wed me to a man as a bribe for abandoning his loyalty—that was wrong. It was crude and stupid of me to speak of such a matter with blunt honesty.

  In those days, I often uttered foolish truths. My mother struggled in vain to break me of this habit, with a birch rod. Father was far more lenient. He would chuckle sometimes at what I said and suggest that I give a matter more thought. He even seemed delighted when some words of mine could make him pause and think.

  The study was a special place for me; it was where Father and I had our best talks. It always smelled faintly of the preservative oil used on the parchment scrolls. Two of the walls held shelves of Father’s favorite books—volumes of history and political philosophy and accounts of the lives of men who had fought for the Republic. On another wall was a magnificent mural, depicting the Battle of Zama. A corner niche held a bust of Cincinnatus, that selfless patriot who saved Rome from invaders, then immediately gave up power. In this study, I always felt so valued, so close to my father.

  My stomach tightened because I had displeased him, the one person in the world I most wanted to please. “Are you angry at me?” I asked.

  For answer, he kissed me on the forehead. “Run along, child.”

  I started out of the study, but another thought came to me. I turned. Father was leaning over his writing table, looking down at some document—a muscular man with iron-gray hair, our family’s rock.

  I knew I ought to keep silent. I had already given him cause to reproach me. Fear gnawed at me, though, and I ached for reassurance, so I walked back and whispered in his ear, “Father, who will govern Rome when Caesar is dead?”

  “The Senate. Who else?”

  “But you always say the Senate has failed to govern. We have had bloodshed for nearly a hundred years. Won’t there be more of that if Caesar dies?”

  “The Senate will govern justly now and command the people’s loyalty. Marcus Brutus is an able and upright man. He will lead us.”

  Brutus was an important figure in the Senate. Moreover, he was directly descended from the man who, centuries ago, had led the successful revolt against Rome’s evil king, Tarquin. His ancestor had, more than anyone, been responsible for the founding of the Republic. It was natural that Caesar’s opponents looked to him for leadership now.

  “No more talk of this. Now run along, Livia.”

  I started to go, but then turned. The more personal meaning of the day had just begun to seem real. “Tiberius Nero—is it absolutely necessary that I marry him?”

  “Why, I’ve promised you to him, child.”

  “You could tell him you changed your mind. Couldn’
t you?”

  “I’ve given him my word.”

  “Father, I don’t like him.”

  “Don’t like him? You don’t even know him. You’re beginning to make me truly angry, Livia. Now—” He made a shooing motion with his hands.

  I ran out to the garden. Tears burned my eyes. How could Father give me to Tiberius Nero? I’d felt an immediate distaste for the man. He had gazed at me as if he were inspecting a slave, and when I had returned his stare, he glanced away, giving me no personal acknowledgment at all.

  What did Father mean by saying Tiberius Nero was a fine fellow? Father’s exact words were A fine fellow, of excellent birth. As far as I could tell, if his birth was excellent, nothing else about him was. Not his looks, not his manner. I remembered the snatch of conversation I had overheard. The man had been advocating proscriptions, hadn’t he? He would condemn men for their associations and opinions, just to protect himself. How many killings would satisfy you, Tiberius Nero? he had been asked. His answer: As many as it takes to make us safe. Was that how a fine fellow spoke?

  Our garden was like a huge courtyard, the heart and focal point of the house, which surrounded it on four sides. Here, where no street noises penetrated, one could almost believe one was not in Rome but in some bucolic setting. Now, early in March, a few flowers had begun to bud, hinting at the garden’s coming springtime glory. I had sought this place as a refuge. At least for a few moments, I could be by myself and sort out my feelings.

  Nothing that had happened before to me had prepared me for the blow I had just suffered. It seemed Father had told me I did not matter to him. He had bartered me away, and then dismissed me. The only worse fate than finding out that Father did not care about me was losing him entirely—and I risked that if the plot against Caesar was discovered.

  A statue of Diana stood by the little pool near the garden’s north side. The sculptor had depicted the goddess as a huntress and had painted her in lifelike colors, with hair the shade of wheat and eyes the gray of storm clouds. She looked like a girl of my age graced with divine freedom. Wearing a tunic that stopped above her knees, she stepped forward, holding a bow in her hand.